I haven't written on here in some time. Knowing how this and other posts may be interpreted only makes me fearful of losing what I've worked so hard for thus far. Conflicted with myself while asking almost daily if I'm good enough, smart enough, or good looking enough. I never thought that at age 31, I'd feel more isolated than I had been in my early 20's when things were so much more dire. Even though there's so many more people in my life that say they are here for me - I find it even more cold than before. Conspiring to be great seems to result in failure. Letting plans be known turns into having to live up to my own expectations. Again, failure follows.
My happiness seems completely lost even though where I am compared to almost two years ago, should have me feeling the opposite. This mainly stems from the day to day struggles at work. Emphasizing to leadership the solutions to solve such small problems only seems to fall on deaf ears. I've already been through this for 7 years in retail. The responsibility for change then lays on the shoulders of those with limited resources. I never thought working for one of the biggest tech companies would be so difficult to walk into each day. I don't exactly feel like I belong amongst the smartest minds in Silicon Valley. I could jump through hoops solving problems that someone from Stanford can't figure out, but I'm rewarded with words of just be patient for your time to come. When will I thrive?
Since grade school, I thought showing what I could do and sharing that knowledge to solve others technological problems would make me feel good. But corporations almost give me a number like a prisoner and expect performing mundane tasks as an accomplishment. Attempting to find myself in day to day life just makes me want to shrivel up in a corner. No crying spells nowadays, but the stress is heavy. This blog is now again my escape as I recognize now how much it helped me though dark times over the past 10 years.
My biggest challenge now is finding and loving myself before trying to do the same for others.
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