Fading Family Portrait

As a young child growing up in Alabama, the days were easy and unscathed. Listening to the silence of the country air and winds blew through the tall grass. Hanging laundry on the line in the backyard after washing clothes by hand. Pecans were for picking all over the premises. This wasn't a fantasy and now looks to be the happier times that I can remember.

As a son of foreign parents, it was hard to establish myself as an American with all these dreams and fascinations to a home where my parents struggled for so long and now only looked to work and money as their glimmer of hope. Sadness grew with each parent-teacher conference, each school play, and each choir performance. As I became older, I had given up on my education since no one was no longer motivating me too keep up the good work. When things became difficult, I stopped confronting my failures and isolated myself for hours on end.

Being introduced to drugs and alcohol filled this void for a short periods of time (in spurts) and allowed me in a sense to become invincible and attempt to do everything that I wanted even if it meant failing. Little did I know that a kid with dreams of being the first black president would be fighting for inside four white walls closing in as freedom was getting closer by the day. Paranoia now haunts my every move as the next day is no longer known and a scarce job market means unhappiness equals a paycheck.

This is all happening without my family behind me. Sure my three brothers and my parents are here on this earth, but how can I have meaningful relationship with people that never let me in and vice versa. As a kid, I was a momma's boy, following her every move until it was no longer cool to do so. A father that's silence in louder than his words. My siblings are scattered across the US with their own set of problems/hope/family in their lives. It could be as easy as picking up the phone, but to what due I owe this hello. I've been hurt, bullied, pushed, saddened, and even thought of leaving this earth from the conflicts that arose from our household.

At a time when I'm finally bettering myself to make wiser decisions for the long term, when and how do I put the pieces back together to a family so broken that only time will tell it's fate. The clock is ticking...