Halfway To Old

Today felt like any other day. Racing in time to finish projects that were procrastinated until the last minute. The sun rises and the fever that I felt around 5am is going nowhere. With that, I give myself the excuse not to go to class, answer the phone, or finish the laundry from a few nights back. My head keeps replaying the noise of cash registers and irate customers. The feeling that work is home and home is a nightmare is not what my life is supposed to feel like. I dreamed of being successful and exploring the unknown by this time in my life. Surrounding myself with adults still going through adolescence proves to be a difficult task for a man that wants more out of life, but has no clue where to start. Still making jokes of depression when I know each day at least one thought of ending it all passes through. I think about who would find me and my OCD of how they would clean it up even haunts me. So I stop thinking about it. These are the thoughts that resonate over and over. The happiness seems to have burned in ruins somewhere. Not knowing where I am going to be in five years is what I fear most. How I will be perceived in the eyes of my peers is something adults tell you not to care about. But what about when your the one on the bottom of the totem pole. Trying to ignore the whispers is pretty fucking stupid. I want to feel that spark again. The will to enjoy like. I want to feel like I am the king of the world and whatever the others say is meaningless. The drive to inspire and create new life out of the unknown. Not wanting to walk through the sliding doors of retail and beg for the invisible gun to shoot my brains out. Running around like a monkey while the slave owner is constantly giving orders, but the result is always the same. How about someone asking me another question other than how my day is. It's pretty fucking depressing to tell you the truth. How would you answer to that. The only escape I have is my MacBook filled with songs of top 40, grunge, triphop,dub step, and Adele. I just want to be appreciated. Is that too much to ask. I keep giving myself to everyone. I only have so much left before I no longer have much else to give. I hope that day comes close. I want to start imagining a new life once this chapter closes.

Might as well start today...Happy Birthday Curtis Chude.

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