Life sometimes to me feels like a motion picture. There are some moments where I listen to people explain their day and some exact instance went down and I can almost visually see it. Almost cinematic. From drama to romantic comedy, death, or something someone would do and land on America's Funniest Home videos. Then there's also where I play back my day or week and ask myself - is this real. Almost like there's someone in my head writing a screenplay and things will be on full display for the world to see soon once the writing team and producers are lined up to find a way to distribute. Straight to streaming services or independent release looking for word of mouth.
The current scene in my life feels like it's the end of a chapter in my life. And now I'm tasked to write the unknown. But what I do know is that I don't want to be calmer than the past 2 decades. I think back most of the time of the most traumatic times in my life and how depressing it makes me feel. Constantly searching for the good times and trying to make those the forefront. In the middle, I realize things were rough, but I also did a lot to be where I've ended up. Full circle. And I know what it takes to take risks and still move forward. I don't like holding my tongue. And I may speak ill of someone or something since in my mind, I know where this will lead. But that also may be fear since every situation isn't the same. So, I keep myself at this moment and give an excuse to stay complacent so I don't go through an undesirable conclusion. Fearing to lose everything since I know what that feels like.
"What happens in the past doesn't matter. You have to look at now."
Every time I hear that line, I seethe. Because most people have almost gone through a very calculated timeline of events. The pieces have always been laid out and choices were available. I've yet to reach a point in my life where everything was normal. With ease and where I knew the next day or month would be ok. I don't think kids are supposed to be worried about their parent's relationship, dad's alcoholism, their relationships deteriorating because of their own gossip. Then the financial hit - not being able to pay for heat, the mortgage, food, and other things that for most were just available. So I walk around this world holding onto what I have as precious. I let go of things very easily that don't get me to the step. But the precarious steps I take to take the next challenge on is very calculated. And sometimes I miss out.
So now, as I'm reaching a point in my life where this rage is also seeing the beauty and I'm writing again. There's also self-reflection. I know I should take this very unique period and set myself up for only the best in life. Not forgetting where I came from, but knowing that I've seen what the bottom looks like. I won't go back to that point, so I have to move forward and bring out my best. Remembering who and what made my high points in my life a reality makes now easier to navigate. I'm feeling fearless. If the things I've been through and things I've seen only make me a better man - I have to do and see more. It's been a journey, but in no way should I feel defeated.
Until next time.